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An introduction to what makes a friendship and why having friends is important for our well-being.
Imagine you just won a lifetime supply of your favorite pizza, but there is one catch: you have to eat every single slice alone in a silent room for the rest of your life. Would it still taste as good?
In psychology, a friendship is defined as a voluntary relationship between two people that involves mutual liking and support. Unlike your family (whom you are born with) or your classmates (whom you are assigned to sit with), a friendship is a choice. It is a bond built on shared interests and affection. Think of it as a bridge between two people; for the bridge to stay up, both sides need to contribute to the construction. When we have strong friendships, our brains release a chemical called oxytocin, which makes us feel safe and happy. In fact, research shows that having close friends can improve your health as much as compared to being isolated!
1. You are assigned to a lab group with Maya. You work well together, but you only talk about science. This is a peer relationship. 2. Later, you realize you both love the same video game. You decide to meet up on Saturday to play together. 3. Because you both chose to spend time together outside of school, you have moved from being classmates to being friends.
Quick Check
What is the main difference between a 'classmate' and a 'friend'?
Answer
A friendship is a voluntary choice, whereas a classmate is someone you are assigned to be around by your environment.
Not all friendships are the same, but healthy ones usually share three 'pillars.' First is Trust: the belief that your friend will be honest and keep your secrets. Second is Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of your friend. If they are sad, you feel a bit of that sadness too. Third is Reciprocity: this is the 'give and take' of a relationship. If one person does of the talking and the other does of the sharing, the friendship is out of balance. A healthy friendship should feel like an equation where both sides are equal: .
Imagine Sam is having a bad day because he failed a math test. 1. Empathy: His friend Alex notices Sam is quiet and asks if he's okay. 2. Trust: Sam feels safe telling Alex about his grade. 3. Reciprocity: Alex listens today, and Sam knows he will be there to listen when Alex has a bad day next week.
Quick Check
If a friend only talks about themselves and never listens to you, which 'pillar' is missing?
Answer
Reciprocity (or balance).
Psychologists call humans social animals. This means our brains are actually 'wired' to seek out others. Thousands of years ago, being part of a group was a matter of survival. If you were alone, you couldn't hunt large animals or protect yourself from predators. Today, we don't have to worry about saber-toothed tigers, but our brains still react to loneliness as if it were a physical threat. In fact, the brain processes the 'sting' of being left out in the same area it processes physical pain! Having friends reduces our levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and helps us live longer, happier lives.
Consider a group of hikers lost in the woods. 1. Hiker A tries to find the way alone and becomes exhausted. 2. Hikers B, C, and D work together. One looks at the map, one gathers wood, and one keeps spirits high. 3. The group survives because they shared the 'cognitive load'—the mental work—just like our ancestors did. This is why our brains reward us with happiness when we make friends.
Which of the following best defines a friendship?
What is 'Reciprocity' in a friendship?
The brain processes social rejection in the same area it processes physical pain.
Review Tomorrow
Tomorrow, try to explain the 'Three Pillars of Friendship' to a family member without looking at your notes.
Practice Activity
Observe your interactions today. Can you identify one moment where you showed 'empathy' or 'reciprocity' to a friend?